A Word to the Wise… Lessons for Living in Bliss during Retirement

The art of retiring well is a tricky one, on the one hand, you have admitted to the world that you are old and decrepit and not long for the pearly gates… on the other hand, you can sleep in, watch as much ‘Rockford Files’ as you can stomach, and hang out at Tim Hortons with your friends discussing the shocking state of youth today, not to mention  spending quality time with your grandchildren teaching them to be the type of ungrateful spoiled hellions you and your friends complain about at Tim Hortons.

Here are some tips to ensure you don’t waste what’s left of your golden years…

1.    Actually these are not your golden years… this is a lie perpetrated by insurance companies and Hallmark to sell a cruel dream and make money. You are not golden but grey. These are your ‘grey’ years. By embracing this truth you will be saving yourself from disappointment. I know the Manulife ad made it look like you could skydive, roller skate and limbo when you retire, but it is an ugly lie. Stay away from the leisure suits and Rhumba sleeves, you are not Liberace.

2.    For men: Your wife is right… always and forever… now is the time to perfect the ‘Yes, Dear’. Your retirement will go smoothly if you accept the fact that she is your better. Don’t argue.

3.    You behaved yourself in your youth and said ‘NO’ to drugs… now you can say a resounding ‘YES’! Only the drugs will be Ibuprofen, Metamucil and Preparation H.

4.    SPEND! SPEND! SPEND! Don’t save anything for the kids… seriously, what have they done for you lately? They can fend for themselves, they wear big pants now.   Be sure to buy completely impractical items like lawn flamingos and matching Hawaiian shirts… those old folks you see lawn bowling, they don’t actually enjoy the sport, they just want to p*ss off their kids.

5.    Not everyone is Rockefeller; being financially solvent upon retirement is not always possible. This is where having children helps - you can freeload off them. Alternatively, there’s a high street value on some of your medications – your friendly neighbourhood drug dealer would be happy to give you a fair price for your OxyContin. 

6.    Try to live to 100 then you’ll get your picture in the paper!  Also – see option 5 as another way to get your picture in the paper.

That’s about it. Welcome to your golden grey years!